Numb

Not a body of steel but flesh and blood,
I stand here aching and grieving,
My tongue numb, but not my pains,
Yet you push me more into a dark abyss,
Just for I stay quiet!
I have grieved for ages, time uncountable,
Not a moment of glory I recall,
My heart is jumpy as every sand,
Drops through the hourglass,
As I know not when the next sword of words will pass,
The next the hand will scrape the soul,
Just for I stay quiet!

Sleep Paralysis

Here he comes gliding into my room,
Altering as he moves around,
Now a dark, giant shadow standing behind my bed!
Now it’s a little girl I met last week in the market,
Transformed into a faceless, headless being,
That reaches and squats on my belly!
That outline of a face breathing hard,
On my numb, terrified being!
My heart pounding and racing,
And jumping at an erratic speed,
I cannot run, I cannot move,
My fingers heavy, feet chained to my bed,
Now it sits right there in my heart,
Shoving me right into the bed!!

Photo by Zachary DeBottis from Pexels

Sonder

The myriad of faces passing by,
Painted with untold truths, suppressed lies,
A history of genes scattered around,
With millions of stories drifting in the air!!
Hardly glimpsed as they hurry past,
To their palatial house or the spot on the street,
With little to eat or a sumptuous feast,
Their own feet or a luxurious fleet!
But a story they tell, those very eyes,
That refuse to raise and look, and meet,
The eyes of others telling a story,
Of a long, and an arduous, and a tiring journey,
Of the soul that had carried numerous burdens,
Of the toil and tears of the past unknown,
It shudders my heavy, my little heart,
That every face that passes by,
Has a history of stories and tales to tell!!

I Welcome Your Fears

Trickling through these dreary nights,
Comes a light snuggling up to me,
Carrying your daily wounds and scars,
And your endless sighs,
Your immense life of stress and strain,
Living a life of distinct two,
Always your soul magnified,
For the world to view!
You do cry but you cannot show,
Your innate fears and your hollow feels,
But I stand here with my open arms,
To understand your ethereal being,
And to bear all your sufferings!

Loving Pain

You said I have to be sad and a little mad,
To feel the pains and aches of life,
And then paint them into this blank white note,
For the world to see!
But if I am happy and content, and full of life,
Misery I haven’t met yet,
Nor any void in my colorful life,
How do I find words that touches the heart,
And bring a tear to my reader’s eyes?
So I broke what I had and bent what was right,
And dipped into the world of sorrow,
And moved to a dark, deep, colorless swamp,
To help my dismal words flow free!

Shameless

Why are you shameless, little girl?

You dare to laugh and smile again,

Grow from the ashes of your anguish,

The stinging words doesn’t bend, the flying words doesn’t hurt,

Your shameless little heart!

Kissing the sun every morning,

Basking in the dark, dreary nights,

You still laugh your sad heart out everytime,

And paint your face with rainbow colors!

You eat and drink and relish the world,

Not yours to embrace or feel pride in,

Do you infer you are just a mere speckle of dust,

Just a mere nobody in this tiresome world?

Still you walk with your head held high,

Leaving a string of love-struck suitors,

To take you again to those grieving dreams,

To punish your shameless being!

I feel ashamed to behold this scene,

Of you bruised and ravaged and torn,

Yet you are a shameless little thing,

Laughing your heart out!

Photo by Oscar Keys at Unsplash

Seeking Love

Those sparkling, smiling eyes,
Asserting my existence,
In that vast universe of his,
With precious gems and elegant clothes,
A house dipped in luxury,
Where hunger is unknown,
And money unstoppable,
Lines of cars and fancy things,
Yet hearts are broken,
And souls tarnished!!
Longing for some loyal love,
And craving for profound bonds,
Mysterious to that glorious house,
Where broken souls live!!

Stuck

Walking a tight rope, no luck to slip,
Words tough to utter and smiles forgotten,
If the tongue gets loose, its reminded of its status,
No liberty to talk, no more chuckles and grins,
Every laugh questioned, every action indebted,
Every little wish crushed and stomped, and shattered,
The sagacity I had is slipping by fast,
Even breathing feels labored now!

I Love You (Part 1)

Flattered and flustered, Yuri found a spring to her step and a leap in her heart. A faint smile enveloped her face and smoothened the creases in her forehead that has become constant now. She cried a lot the day before contemplating the futility of her life. When we get hit by disappointments, we often visit dark places in our minds otherwise tucked away safely. She went there a few times but came back again as the faces of her parents stared at her with loving hearts. Her eyes were red this morning, and her dark circles more visible in her beautiful, radiant face! She had howled at all the broken expectations and imagined every possible tragedy that will befall her in the future! Yes, we do that often! When we are miserable, we cook up stories in our minds and break down sure that a lot of misfortunes await us in the future.

Yuri slept little these days. Sleep came late to her at night, and she couldn’t help but wake up early in the morning to attend her meetings. She hardly talked to her husband now in the mornings. By the time she gets ready, he already leaves for the day! She couldn’t even remember the last time they had breakfast together. She was upset for a few months hoping to go back to those days when she woke up to his smiling face. He always embraced her tight and refused to let her go. Giggles and laughter filled the entire bedroom! They cooked breakfast together, ate together, and he often dropped her at her office! But these days are long gone! A part of her heart has got numb, and she deliberately tries to avoid conversations now.

That morning while she was getting her coffee ready, she got a message from an unknown number. She ignored it as she was already late and was in a hurry to attend an important meeting. As she entered her cubicle and opened her sunglasses, her colleague stared at her noticing her swollen red eyes! She looked at her questioningly, and Yuri smiled.

“I need to run. I will tell you later”, Yuri said to her colleague Angel, who was also a close friend. Angel smiled and nodded, and as Yuri walked away, a gloom enveloped her face, for she could sense what might have happened!

The meeting went well, and a sense of satisfaction and pride-filled her, getting applauded for all the hard work she had put in the last couple of weeks. She was in charge of executing a project. She led her team well to complete it and put forward excellent results.

Before going back to her seat, she craved another cup of coffee and walked up the stairs to the cafeteria. She avoided taking the lift when it was just a floor away. Sitting down at her usual corner, she looked out of the window at the lake looking magnificent. All that pride and the sense of achievement melted away as the thoughts rushed back to her. She took out her phone to check if there was any phone call. Not a single missed call, just a few messages!

“Hi, Yuri. Hope you are doing good! I am Tae Kim from Ascent school. I got your number from Ishan last week. So thought of reconnecting.” Read the message from the unknown number.

A smile came across her face as she saw the name. That name had vanished in her memories but now came tumbling back. A tall, lanky boy with straight black hair and round glasses always eager to help her around as she was the head girl of her school! He was available most of the time to run errands for her. Be it putting up notices in the school hall or helping her arrange for school functions. His soothing, exquisite voice felt so vivid on that winter morning. She liked him a lot as someone younger than her. She knew his adoration for her and his admiration. And she always ensured to be kind to him as everyone in the school knew about his difficult life at home! He was two years junior to her and an intelligent boy. He was loved by all for his sincerity and his charming demeanor! She wanted to know more about him. She only had pleasant memories as far as she could remember.

She immediately answered. “Hey! So nice to hear from you. Yes, I do remember you! What are you doing these days? We should talk!”.

In an instant, she got a reply.

“Nice to hear back! I was wondering if you would remember me. I work in a software company as a developer and basking in my boring life. Do let me know a good time to talk”.

There were a lot of emojis. It felt good to reconnect to someone from a part of her life that would always remain so special. She meant a lot to many in her life then. She was admired, envied, girls always trying to be like her. Not only was she good in studies she had a charm from which anyone could hardly escape.

“I will call you after work”, she wrote back.

Angel was waiting for her back in the cubicle with a heavy heart, concerned and eager to know what happened! Yuri was exhausted. She did not have the energy anymore to go through what happened again! These thoughts are constant, weighing her down every second of her life; completing emitting the vibrant girl she was! She remembered how she was scolded for being too loud, too happy! And now she stood here walking down the steps trying to paint her face with a fake smile. The correct life partner can help you reach the heights of existence while the one so wrong for you will pull you down, wiping out your entire identity!

Yuri smiled, “Hey, the project was a success! Let’s go out this weekend. I so need to rewind!”

Her eyes spoke another story but the excitement in her voice deterred Angel from probing more, nodding to accompany her. Angel was one of those people who respected your privacy and would stand by you, loyal to the T. She was sorted, clear about what she wanted, and came across as a little rude when you meet her for the first time. But first appearances have been known to be deceptive since time existed! People who might appear as the sweetest with honey-laden tongues are capable of inflicting the worst damage. With a resting bitch face, Angel had a heart so vast, it would bleed for all the people she cared for! She was just cautious about new people as she had encountered and faced a lot in her life.

After a hectic period, Yuri sat on her desk with little work to do. She loved to work, she loved her career, her sincerity earning her accolades along the way. As she sat there staring at her laptop with little to do, all those old memories came back to her. She remembered the white two-storeyed building with never-ending corridors and a courtyard so vast that even when the entire school stood there, there was still enough room! The surrounding was green, the air so fresh, and during spring, flowers bloomed around the huge walls. And those flowers many times found its place on school desks; boys and girls professing their love for someone they admired. And then they would be teased incessantly bringing them to the verge of tears.

Those teenage years! Filled with warm emotions, new feelings, and heartaches so deep! Little do we know then that heartaches are even worse later! Her heart longed for those days as she sat there staring at the screen. She was filled with overwhelming emotion, so deep that she was on the verge of tears all the time. Her relationship was intense, nothing short of a romance novel! But where did that spark go? How could it vanish? She had been married for four years now, and now no attachment was left. Her lips quivered as she tried to hold back her tears. Her parents were against the match as she belonged to a different country, a different race, and different religion. But they were so adamant, ready to face any obstacles that would come their way! It all felt so silly to her now. Sri tells her that love doesn’t always mean holding hands, having sex, or eating out. It also means a lot when you care! But when did he care now! She was invisible to him! He wouldn’t think twice before opening his mouth and throw words at her so hurtful that it smashed her heart in pieces. It has broken into so many pieces that it is difficult to mend now. She had been contemplating divorce for some time now but the effort she put into the relationship holds her back! If she gave up now, all that would be for nothing!

All those memories made her heart feel fuzzy! And she felt like revisiting old days.

Still thinking about how to start the conversation, Yuri dialed Tae’s number. She had a smile on her face yet her heart raced, and she didn’t know why. A sense of disappointment enveloped her as the call went unanswered. She was looking forward to this conversation. Putting her phone down, she went for a shower. Crying in the shower had become very common for Yuri these days. Washing her tears away was becoming more frequent. They fought so much these days and she knew they fought because they are finding it difficult to tolerate each other. He doesn’t like her ways and she is fed up with all the criticism. She doesn’t want kids now but he is stubborn about having children. He wants to move to a new city where he feels there would be more growth for him but Yuri is satisfied with the work here, and she wants to grow. They are on different planes, their goals colliding against each other, and the thing that hurt her the most was the fact that he hardly cared about her career, her feelings, and her opinions. Her life should revolve around him, and she is the one to make all the sacrifices, he always argued. She was earning less than him, so he didn’t see wrong in sacrificing her work for their future. But Yuri had worked hard to reach where she was now! And for someone to belittle her work and her efforts hurt her the most!

She had mentioned separation a few times, but his answer was always the same. “Why now? After we have gone through so much together?” and she would stay.

Embarrassment rocked her from head to toe when those incidents came trickling into her memory when he laid his hand on her. The first time he did it, she was shocked. She locked herself in a room and refused to budge. He cried outside her door, begging for forgiveness, and threatened to commit suicide if she left him. Then she was madly in love, and a few apologies and a few threats pulled her back into the relationship. But the realization did dawn upon her that he was not a nice person. She had fallen in love with a person so wrong! The second time it happened, she left and stayed over at a friend’s house for a couple of days. But he found her! He cried again, begging her to come back. This time he also let her how she was at fault for making him so angry that he took that drastic step. Deep in her heart, she knew she was wrong! But she also knew that a slap was not what she deserved, but she came back again! The thought that she would be broken and shattered without him brought her back which she now regrets every day! The slaps and the kicks stopped but then started the verbal abuse! Many times she blamed herself for putting him in these situations, later realizing that she was trapped in a toxic relationship. But there was pride and ego! Marrying against everyone, portraying a perfect life on social media, and then breaking everything up in an instant and entering into a new world scared her, and she stayed. But she lost love, and she lost respect! But now she knew she had to escape! It is not the way to survive! She was worth more than what he made her feel!

Why Words Hurt!

I have often been told how I loved performing as a little kid. When I try to recall, I do remember that phase when I put my heart and soul and would sing and dance; and recite poems in front of anyone; whoever asked me to do it! I was brimming with confidence, and I hardly cared what others thought. I considered myself to be excellent in whatever I did. But as I grew up, I learned to be self-aware, and there went my confidence down the drain. I liked what I saw in the mirror, but a few people around me told me repeatedly that I was not good-looking or fair; light-skin being a big determiner of attractiveness in our country.

I remember being at the forefront as a young kid, but as I entered my pre-teens, I started to develop a lot of anxiety regarding my looks. I convinced myself that there was nothing worth looking at on my face. And it turned me into a shy girl hesitant to take up leadership. I was a very sincere student, polite and obedient. And there was not a single teacher in school who didn’t like me. I could sing, I could act, and I was good at dancing too! But what I lacked was self-esteem. Once a teacher got angry with me for always hiding at the back when I was one of the best dancers in the group. I felt embarrassed for being shouted at, but I realized she had my best interest in her heart. But what I couldn’t explain to her was that I never considered myself to be good enough. I always felt deserving of invisibility. I felt the world didn’t need me and could do very well without my contribution.

I started to open up and gain my individuality in college. The always obedient, calm, and the silent girl was blooming into a rebel. I would buy whatever I wanted to wear, whatever made me feel good, go wherever I wanted to go! I started to laugh, talk, and behave uninhibitedly. And once I left my hometown for further studies, I found myself better. Though I understood that no matter how much I rebelled, I knew my limits, it was ingrained in me! But this new version of me also provided me with a lot of joy and opportunities. However, that hesitation remained! That belief that I was not good enough was too strong to shake off.

Now an adult, I have moved onto that stage where I no longer care what others think about me. I am a mild person, and I hate hurting people avoiding confrontation mostly. But I also ensure that no one could take advantage of me as they have always done.

So where did it all start?

It started at home! It started because I was darker-skinned than my parents wanted me to be. Not because others told me so but because I was told at home how bad I looked. I can never understand why now! Always letting me know how beautiful my friends were, compared to me! Then I didn’t find anything wrong with that. I believed I was! But now I know how it broke the vibrant, smart little girl. I was told that we were poor, and so were inferior to all my rich friends. Or to any rich person in general. I still cannot understand why. First, I was not dark. I am wheatish! Second, I am not bad-looking. I could consider myself an okay looking woman. Third, we were not poor. We were middle-class. So why were we made to believe we were less than what we were? As parents, what you would want to do is to encourage your kids and impart confidence. But in my case, it was the reverse. Yes, my mother did praise me for being an understanding child, completely undemanding, and obedient. At the same time, she made sure to break my self-esteem. Sometimes I feel that she didn’t realize what she was doing. And I am in no mood to ask her ever why she did that. Writing it down for the world to know is not easy, but I have this contempt in my heart for breaking my self-worth piece by piece!

It took me so many years to put out my writing work out into the world. I used to write in college and get my work published in college magazines. But in the real world, I never could gather the courage to do that. Yes, I work as a writer and an editor. But writing for a career is different than writing for yourself and your contentment. It took me a lot of courage to showcase my creativity, my inner thoughts, and imaginations! So much courage to even share a poem with my colleagues! I had been so afraid of criticism, of not being good enough! I so lacked the belief in myself that I couldn’t even sing without inhibition. Everyone tells me I am a good singer, but I still find it tough to sing in front of people. I never took to the stage! Or pursue singing at all due to extreme stage-fright! Only recently, I have started singing again in front of people, but I know that the golden years are gone!

Words can mold you in ways ineffable, and leave a huge impact! And if you are a sensitive person like I am, words can be the dealbreaker! I feel like I had lost out on a lot of opportunities, and for that, I will always carry a contempt in my heart! If only I loved myself more, I could have done better! If only I didn’t pay attention to those words as much as I did, I would have been a different person. Oh! I am so full of regrets, and it hurts! However, I also understand that blaming others won’t work! I have to take ownership of my actions.

Don’t give up on me yet though, dear friends! I am aware that there is a life ahead and still a long way to go! There is still a lot of time to redeem and to fly high so that when I lay on my dying bed, I can die with a heart full of satisfaction. I could say to myself, “I did what I liked to do! I tried my best!”